Curfew is a point of contention in just about every house where there are teens. They want more freedom, we want them to be safe. When we don't let them stay out late, they feel we don't trust them. When we do let them stay out late, we worry.
I was fortunate to attend a Parenting with Love and Logic class when my children were 6 and 2. I thought the teen years were so far off, but they really were not. A few short years later, we've hit them full force!
In my class, we learned about curfew and the guidance was incredibly helpful. I've blended it with my own personal approach and come up with a solution that seems to work around here.
When everyone was mellow, I sat down with the kids and we talked about curfew. We talked with both of them so the younger one would know what we were thinking so he'd be ready for the talk when he hit 13.
We listened to our son's argument about why he should be allowed to go out, what he thought was a reasonable curfew (based on what friends his age were doing) and how he was feeling. We really, really listened and let him know we heard him. He was making a lot of sense. He's a responsible kid. So why weren't we feeling better about letting our 16 year old stay out until midnight?
If just doesn't work into our value system. Call me over-protective, but letting my child wander around at night just isn't in my nature. I know other parents are cool with that. I'm just a fuddy duddy I guess.
After our son finished what he was saying and felt heard, we asked if it would be okay for us to share what we were feeling. He agreed and we explained (as briefly as possible) that we are concerned for his safety and so we need to know where he is, need to be able to reach him and need to have him home early enough that we can get a reasonable night's sleep.
In Love and Logic I learned that kids need to have some freedoms but that those freedoms shouldn't impact other people negatively and staying up watching the clock is not good for my well-being.
We took time to negotiate, explaining that we're not running a dictatorship. Our house is set up as a democracy. We wanted to come to a place where we could all feel good about curfew.
Over the next thirty minutes we hammered out a plan. It involved us knowing where he is, who he is with and when he'll be home. We set up a curfew and explained that if he was going to be late, he needed to call or we would worry and worried parents call the police to come find you. (How embarrassing!!!)
The curfew plan is fluid and that's what can lead to fight after fight. It will change as your child grows. However, when we approach the situation not as a "yes you can" or "no you can't" but as something that needs to be worked out together - with each party having an equal voice, tons of respect and empathy, we're much more likely to find a solution that works for everyone.
If this article was of interest to you, you might want to read part two - When Curfew is Broken
Aricia has worked with families as a psychotherapist, mentor, coach and instructor for over 20 years. Her work has been featured in USA Today, Family Circle, Mothering magazine and on NPR. She runs a supportive online parenting community providing resources, ideas and encouragement for moms. Stop by http://www.dynamicfamilycoachingsolutions.com for a free Mp3 download about disrespectful teens an article on "Why Kids Ignore Their Parents."
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